Another one of those lists, but this one seems pretty good…

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”

7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

Some of these really suck. Try to enjoy.

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A: It’s a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

I can’t get enough minimalism.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill dough.

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Q: What has teeth but no mouth?
A: A comb.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A golfer goes “whack” and yells, “Damn!”, while a skydiver yells, “Damn!” and goes “whack.”

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

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